No, really: THESE ARE NOT THE DROIDS YOU’RE LOOKING FOR

I receive three or four spam comments a week. The system default is set so that I have to approve any emails I don’t recognize, which keeps them from cluttering up my website with delightful offers for sexy videos (and/or POWERFUL and PRIVATE web traffic services). The strangest part of this isn’t the offers themselves – I’d be almost hurt if the spambots weren’t on to me – but that in the past three months every single one of them has been posted to either “These are not the droids you’re looking for” or “These are possibly the droids you’re looking for, but no money-back guarantee.”

In other words, my Jedi mind powers aren’t working. I’m not entirely certain how to get them to move along, but FOR THE LOVE OF PETE THESE ARE NOT THE DROIDS YOU’RE LOOKING FOR.

The best part is the amateurish attempts these spammers use to wholesale spam different blogs across the spectrum using the same canned response. I have received the most wonderfully generic compliments and/or criticisms this way. And yes, I actually received criticism from a spambot.”In my opinion you are not right. I am assured. I can defend the position. Write to me in PM.” And then a follow-up comment from the same fake email: “And you have understood?”

Uh…no. Not really. You disagreed with me on a post announcing that I had created an art portfolio on my website.

Spam is written with the same specificity that horoscope forecasters use to fake you into thinking there’s something particularly cosmic about the idea that it might behoove you to keep an open mind when meeting new people and/or opportunities that day. It’s worse though, probably because it’s written in second-hand English, and isn’t quite generic enough for one-size-fits-all. Mind you, I am a little tempted to have Vera at sexybang defend her position on why I shouldn’t have a tab for art on TheStoryFolder. She sounds so confident of her opinion. I do admire that kind of self-assurance.

In other news, this entire spiel is to deflect my two watchers from the realization that I didn’t feel like illustrating the next poem I’m uploading, but instead went insane with the gradient tool in Clipart. “Already Done” is a poem about the unfathomable depths of forgiveness, and if I’m not careful people are going to start assuming all I do on my website is write religious poetry. Scout’s honor, I really do write stories for The Story Folder. I’ve got a couple of excellent ones on the back-burner while I work on my novel, but in the meantime here is another basic tenet of my faith as written by Dr. Seuss.

Already Done

I meant to have a more intricate border to try and goad my watchers into thinking I’d put some effort in, but I’ve spent way too much time fighting with Clipart this morning as it is. It’s still a good idea to upload these poems as media files, just because it keeps the lines in each verse from spilling over into oblivion and confusing my readers about the underlying rhythm of the piece, but I just could not visualize a good design for this piece and it shows. Yes, that’s right folks; not only am I apathetic about my poetry this morning, I have the great gall to admit it.


Bonus fact:

“These are possibly the droids you’re looking for, but no money-back guarantee” is actually listed under the url “/this-is-not-the-update-you’re-looking-for-2” because there is actually a “/this-is-not-the-update-you’re-looking-for-1.” I actually used the same post title twice, not realizing that I was plagiarizing not only Star Wars in that instance, but myself. I disguised the incident by my usual methods: word-vomit.

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2 Responses to No, really: THESE ARE NOT THE DROIDS YOU’RE LOOKING FOR

  1. Your Local Friendly IT Guy says:

    I’m a big fan of this poem, glad to see it back up.

    As for the awesome “art” adorning it… eh. You do you. 😛

    • A.L. Schultz says:

      I’m saving the (sort of) companion piece “Fools, We” for a special occasion, though I’m not sure what that occasion is. I’m glad you like this one!

      Clipart assures me that the gradient style I used is called “Sunrise (bright)” but there’s not really any hiding the fact that it looks more like skin tone.

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