I just wasted twenty minutes trying to find the “Housekeeping!” clip from “Cool Runnings.” Here it is in another form:

Sanka Coffie: Maid Service, sir! Would you like your bed turned down? Mint? Perhaps I could dust your head!

Yul Brenner: Whatever is wrong with you is no little thing.

Apparently there never was a “housekeeping!” scene from “Cool Runnings.” “Maid Service, sir!” will have to do.

Basically, this week’s update is notice that I’m cleaning out my poetry section and revamping/re-posting. Realizing that I’ve run out of pre-written poems to post, this is, in fact, part of an enormously nefarious plot to re-post all of my pre-written poems again. Sometimes my own laziness genius amazes me.

It is at this precise moment that I’ve also realized that I’ve gone and blown my own cover. Actually, I have several slightly less diabolical reasons for this. One of them is the fact that I hate the way I’ve organized my poetry. The genre thing is just way too clunky, so I’m going to scrub that entirely and post them the way I do my stories.

Mind you, if that’s all I was doing I’d re-organize everything behind the scenes without all the fanfare (I’m lazy, but I’m not that lazy; or at least I know how to hide it better than that), but it’s also a really good opportunity to work on my drawing skills and get used to the new art program on my computer. What I’m going to do is illustrate each poem and post them as art files. I’m hoping that this will also help with the viewing issues for anyone who uses a mobile device. A small screen forces the lines to bleed over into each other, which can be really confusing when the rhythm and rhyme of a poem depends on understanding its structure. By posting them as media files they’re forced to stay true to their formats. Let me know if anyone notices any problems I’ve subsequently created with this solution.

As to the blog posts with the old links, right now I’m just planning on letting them lie with broken links in place. I’ll fix them as I re-post. If anyone is dying to read a poem I’ve removed, just email me and I’ll share that like a boss.

So! In short, here is the only poem currently on my website:

The Cat on Cackler’s Lane

Apologies to my IT guy and my editor, who are currently the main people affected by this decision. Enjoy seeing everything twice! I’m also using it as an excuse to post website updates on my Facebook page. Anyways, I can get away with this because I’m related to both of them. Or not so much “get away with” as “do it anyways, neener neener.”

Kabe-Don, Semi-Don, and the Cicada Block

“The Art of the Catapult” is a How-To project book written by William Gurstelle. My favorite bits are the history he generously includes with his projects, detailing ancient (and totally disgusting – heads were common projectiles before gunpowder) military tactics and war machines.

It also gave me a brilliant way to dress up an old story in new clothing, by changing the title to match his. I spent way too long trying to mash the idea of catapults into a story about misfits, but I’m pleased with the result. Probably because I love these two socially awkward idiots. Go here to enjoy:

The Art of the Catapult

In related news, I spent half an hour researching Cicada blocks while looking up references for people physically trapping other people in corners. It’s actually a parody of a romantic move (popularized in romance manga) called a kabe-don, in which the hero traps the heroine by using some part of his body, usually with one or both arms, and occasionally the leg. In the cicada block you use your entire body.

This is a relatively unfortunate discovery, mostly because this is not supposed to be a romantic move in this story. He’s just a jerk. Good times are not exactly had by all.

(Also, I just realized that Tom looks like he’s wearing eyeliner. It was an overenthusiastic application of the marker tool in one of my art programs. I’d fix it, but that would take actual work.)

Cheater, Cheater, Apple Eater

For those of you that don’t attend a traditional church, today is Trinity Sunday. This gives me the perfect opportunity to cheat and act like I’m posting something when I’m doing nothing of the kind. So to commemorate having to speak the Athanasian creed not once but twice in a single day, here is a link to an old page post:

Apples are Apples

As an additional commemoration, to the left is a fuzzy picture of the picture I drew for my mother, when she asked for a copy of the poem (you can always count on moms to make you feel good about your art projects, no matter how old you get). Someday I might try getting a cleaner shot, but this is what I have to offer for now.

Honestly, this post is really just an excuse to surprise my one watcher (who does, in fact, attend a traditional church, and probably also spoke the Athanasian creed this morning). Look, Boonder! I updated over the weekend like I said I wouldn’t! Ignore the fact that Sunday is technically the start of the new week.

(P.S. My regards to my IT guy, my other one watcher. Ten bucks says my traffic stats don’t say otherwise.)

(P.P.S. If I’m wrong, I’m not actually giving you $10. Just FYI.)