An actual short version of a long story:
Update will go up later this week.
The slightly longer version of the same short story:
My surface pro has decided it doesn’t like connecting to public internet, the Xfinity self-installation kit for my apartment won’t arrive until Wednesday (give or take a few days, depending on whether they processed my order on Saturday or waited to mail it until this morning), and I don’t want to be reprimanded for using the internet for personal reasons the first day on the job. I’ll have to become too invaluable to fire first. Wish me luck*!
*Or providence, if you want to get theologically accurate about it.