MORE boring stuff

I’ve created that “For Sale” tab I threatened you guys with last week – even put up some darling little dollar signs, in case anyone was confused what the words “For Sale” meant. I’ll probably mess around with the opening paragraph later, but as lunch is calling, it will have to wait. So will a better post.

Actually, you know what? Here’s me seriously scraping the bottom of the barrel*: an old homework assignment from college.


Page 184, #3: make longer sentences of these short sentences, using sensual details.

The old man sat in the park.

The old man, his eyes full of years, the cracks breaking from their corners to his cheeks, filled with laughter and old salt, sat with his hand rubbing softly against the planks of the seat, dipping in and out of the crevasses, fingers pattering along the grain, as though the old wood bench had grown as slowly and majestically as the rest of the trees in the park.

 

She was crying.

She was crying, but there was more to it than that, like the dull color of her hair when she was sad, the glittering clearness of her eyes, and the tears as they dripped down her chin and pooled into the soft dip above the bones that made up her smooth, pale collar.

 

He loved everything about the woods.

He loved—and how he loved, with softly brown curls that shook with the turn of his head, with a mouth that pinched in the corner just like his mother’s had done—but unlike his mother, who loved the scrape of building on sky, he loved everything, from the deep green of the shadows in the trees and the muffled, carpeted floor that smelled of tangy pine, about the woods.  And that was his father’s gift.

 

I’m terrified of                        .

I’m terrified of failure, of rejection, of knowing I could not do anything to succeed, of proving to myself that I should have never put myself forward, let them see what I had and what I didn’t, bare me open to my breastbone, and I fear this all, the terror boiling deep in the back of my throat, until the day I wake up and realize I should have feared never trying.

 

It was a beautiful day.

It was the shadows, swallowing themselves under the stones along the shore, making a sound almost like the water that rolled in quiet waves onto the lake edge (except that there is no sound quiet enough to truly describe the deepness of it), making the reddish swirls of the pebble themselves streak like precious metals, that made it a beautiful day.

 


*You’ve never seen me do that before.

BORING STUFF

This update is going up much later than planned – also, it’s more boring. My two excellent excuses are: 1.) the internet at the public library was down this morning, and 2.) that even with the extra allotted time from the internet fail, I still didn’t manage to finish the short story I’ve been wanting to complete and post since March.

(Blog tip #5,491: Always start with your justifications, and never offer any apologies. In other news, I’m sorry about this.)

I wasted some time scouring through my old homework from college, but I just cannot convince myself that any of the old short story assignments I have are worth posting. They’re okay, but they’re just not good enough. This collection is meant to showcase the writing I actually want to share with people. As it turns out, I really have gotten better since University. Annoying, but a comfort in its own way.

Still, what I’d really like to do is finish up the many short stories in my head; partly so that I’ll have something to show off and put to use on my nefarious marketing scheme website, partly because it would be a relief to remove them from my head where they’re taking up the space I should be using for newer (and potentially more lucrative) projects. Unfortunately, I have a very bad habit of stretching out short stories into semi-long ones, and though that allows me to create serial pieces, it also means it takes that much more time to complete them. I waste a lot of time trying to think around my desire to flesh out my ideas as fully as I’d like. Which will never work and, honestly, if I just wrote instead of thinking about getting around to it eventually, I’d have a lot more to show for it. Ah well. One of the things I’m working on this summer.

Jumping ship from that topic (transitions are hard), I’d like to take this opportunity to throw up (gross) a shout-out and related thank you to Mary Moerbe at “Meet, Write, & Salutary.” She’s a Lutheran wife and mother whose own time for writing has shrunk (that whole mother thing does it, I think), and so has taken it on as her mission to use her blog to encourage other Lutheran writers (or perhaps writers who happen to be Lutheran, as is more my case) instead. She wrote an awesome post about “The Hatastrophe” as well as “Small Town Super Nobody,” which you can read here:

The Hatastrophe

I also took the opportunity to work on my art portfolio. I’ve created galleries for several projects, and if you would like to admire all of the illustrations for “The Hatastrophe” you may do so at your pleasure, by hopping over here to my “Art Portfolio” page. The print copy of the picture book has a border frame around each illustration (as well as, you know, words), but these are the graphics on their own. I meant to put together a “For Sale” tab this afternoon as well – as a place to gather everything I’m selling (only two projects so far, but I should have a couple more by time the summer is over) – but I’ll have to do that another day. It took me two hours just to organize the art portfolio tab into something worth looking at, and I’m officially late for dinner at my brother and sister-in-law’s house. On my way, guys!

These are possibly the droids you’re looking for, but no money-back guarantee

Here’s some absurdity for a Monday afternoon:

This was an art/craft exchange with my cousin. I asked her to felt a couple of animals for a friend’s birthday (or possibly Christmas; honestly, I can’t remember now), and she asked for some Star Wars patterns for an embroidery project she wanted to do. I have no idea if these ended up being of any use to her (she claimed an enormous amount of gratitude, but as she’s by nature generous with her thanks, I have my suspicions; these may not have been the droid she was looking for), but it was a fun excuse to watch the original trilogy. Actually, for anyone paying attention, these are all scenes from the first movie, but like a can of Pringles, you can’t just watch one.

This fellow is the forbidding picture I promised to my other cousin (the one I work for; goodness, I just realized I don’t make any money in my life that isn’t somehow passed on to me through family*), to illustrate litigation/traditional divorce. I’m quite pleased with his faceless and judgmental authority.


*Yes, folks. NEPOTISM.**

**That’s how I roll.***

***Shout out to my IT guy; he and his wife doubled the number of copies of “The Hatastrophe” sold this weekend. Thanks, bro!

I don’t get no respect!

Last night, I got stuck on the word “overrated.” I was trying to plan out a story arc in my head, but instead I spent 85%* of my time in the shower thinking about “overrated” and why the term irritates me to the depths of my admittedly short-tempered soul. This song is overrated. That movie is overrated. Here’s an overrated book series. But that’s just my opinion (comes the impartial defense).

In fact, “overrated” is snobbery at its most obliquely snide. By nature, arrogance is not a subtle characteristic. It’s one that thrives on knowing – and making sure that everyone else knows – that it’s worthier than everything it sees as inferior. But as an adjective, “overrated” gets a pass under the protective umbrella of personal opinion. Only it’s not a personal opinion about the song, movie, or book itself; it’s a personal opinion about the people who like the song, movie, or book. At best, you’re suggesting that your opinion is superior while pretending to be objective**. But worse – and more pointed – is the dig about popular opinion: that a person only likes something because it’s popular.

This may well be true. But is it possible – just possible, mind you – that I like the song, movie, or book for its own sake? Is that conceivably within my ability to judge things for myself? Despite your conflicting view?

I have no idea why this crawled up my craw last night and made a nest somewhere between my amygdala and cerebral cortex (in that non-existent junction between emotion and logic). Actually, thinking back, it probably started with an after-dinner discussion about Shia Labeouf and the practice of jumping on the hate bandwagon (particularly when hitched to high-grossing movies and/or popular singers); but why it percolated through an old memory of getting insulted for liking “Summer of ’69” and came back around a couple of hours later is beyond me. Like I don’t have enough things to think about while I wash my hair. I love getting mad at nothing right before bed.


*Possibly an estimation.

**At least own it. If you want to have a debate about whether popularity is earned or just a matter of momentum, let’s go for it. Just be upfront about what it is we’re actually discussing.

Lies and Liars (but really: The Hatastrophe!)

In the following video I lie terribly:

So the lie here is that it’s available through Amazon. It’s not yet, because it takes CreateSpace (an Amazon company that provides print-on-demand services) 3 – 5 business days to make the title available through Amazon.com. Which I found out this morning when I officially approved of the proof copy they sent to me yesterday, after I made this video. However, you can – if you’re absolutely dying for the chance to send me money ASAP – buy a copy through the CreateSpace website itself. Hooray! I’m not sure if you can qualify for free shipping through the subsidiary, but here’s the link anyways:

https://www.createspace.com/6973846

Shorthand: $6.99 for a print copy of “The Hatastrophe”

As soon as I receive word that it’s listed on Amazon, I’ll post a link to “The Hatastrophe,” either later this week or early next. In the meantime, you can admire this absurd video and politely golf-clap my efforts.

Also, this happened in the course of way too many takes:

I guess it actually WAS me, officer

Story time: on Monday I was walking home from work when I was pulled over by a cop. I’d like to say I was doing something nefarious, like jay-walking, but in fact I was crossing the street while the light was green. Having just missed my chance to press the walk button, I’d decided to cross anyways rather than waiting through an entire cycle, which seemed like an inefficient use of time (especially since this particular intersection has no specially marked turn lanes or green arrows). Alas, poor Yorick, a policeman was the second car across the way. He flicked on his lights, turned the car around in the intersection, and got out so that he could ask me – just as I’d gotten back up on the sidewalk – if I knew what the big red hand meant.

I told him I did. This didn’t seem like enough, so I added that I’d also assumed that I was safe to cross since the light was green. As it turns out: no I was not. He asked for my license, presumably to make sure there weren’t any outstanding warrants for my arrest, and (when it turned out that there weren’t) let me off with a warning. “Ma’am,” the young man was good enough to add, “if you were hit by a car while crossing without a walk signal, they couldn’t get in any legal trouble for it.”

Good heavens. I’m sure that would be the first thing on my mind if I was hit by a car while crossing the street.

However, not wanting to appear ungracious for this solicitude, I thanked him. He drove away, I walked the rest of the way home, and, once the door was shut behind me, bawled my eyes out.

I’ve reacted to rebukes like this since I was child. Actually, a couple years ago my parents admitted that I was the easiest kid in the world to punish. Mom would ask mildly, “What do you have to say for yourself?” and: weepy apologies. Dad would give me a disappointed look: instant tears. This wasn’t youngest child sway-you-with-waterworks manipulation tactics, this was Katy-bar-the-door-I-wish-I-could-hold-them-back-but-I-just-can’t tears. Now that I’m older the main difference is that I can usually hold off until I’m somewhere private. That, and I interject my weeping with despairing – if somewhat unintelligible – cries of, “Grow up!” “Stop crying, you pathetic baby!” and “What’s the matter with you-hoo-hoo-boo-hooooooo!!!” Verbal self-abuse has not, I’m sorry to say, decreased my oversensitivity.

Fortunately, I’m brought up as quickly as I’m cast down. About fifteen minutes later the whole thing struck me as funny, as it should have from the start.

Honestly, I’m a really big fan of the police. I think they do a hard job and get a lot of flak for it, mostly because people hate to be confronted by their own wrongdoing – whether major or minor (and sometimes: especially minor). Even in this case he was simply following the law to the letter. The absolute worst construct I can put on the whole affair is that he’s the kind of cop that drives around town during the summer, shutting down lemonade stands when their underage employees can’t produce a city-sanctioned business license. Not exactly the Sheriff of Nottingham.

(The best is that he was so struck by my overpowering beauty that this entire thing was a ruse; he took the chance presented to him to ask for my license, and will spend the better part of six months stalking me now that he knows my name and address. Yes, I’m so desperate that this is the good construct.)

(Of course, he also would’ve discovered that I’m older than I look, which would explain why a guy that looked my age had the unforgiveable audacity to call me “ma’am.” Instead of stalking me, he’s likely wiped a hand across his brow, congratulating himself on his close shave.)

(In other news: )

But here’s the real take-home lessons from my brush with the law. That:

  1. The big red hand means that I can be legally mowed down by turning vehicles, and
  2. It’s actually quite nice to live in a town where the cops are so bored that they have nothing better to do than pull over pedestrians for crossing the street out of turn.

What a Deal, What a Buy!

For 99 cents you can now download a copy of “Small Town Super Nobody” as an ebook, available through Amazon! What a deal! What a buy! You can officially own a 99 cent novella that you are still welcome to read for free here on TheStoryFolder! For this amazing offer, click on this SLOW, SUPERKIDS AT PLAY sign:

(Or type this into the URL bar: https://www.amazon.com/author/alschultz)

I’m calling it a convenience fee, though really the charge is there because it’s the lowest price I can set for an ebook through Amazon. The ebook market is another avenue for me to explore in my attempt to get my name out there and my stories read; whether or not I make money is, at this point, secondary. Certainly I hope to (and, let’s be honest here: need to), but I’m still building a niche, and publicity is worth its weight in gold.

In preparation for the ebook release, I’ve re-read “Small Town” approximately five hundred times this past week, editing as I go. While I’m opposed to making any major changes to an already published work (even one that’s only been published on my website), I ran “Small Town Super Nobody” a bit more stringently through the wringer than I’d originally planned. It feels like cheating to make too many changes (a la George Lucas), but it’s a good lesson to me to be more meticulous about my online postings in the future. I just wanted to make sure I was putting my best foot forward, and breaking apart some of my seventy-word sentences into two – or even three – complete thoughts seemed like a good editing decision. Hopefully I haven’t fussed anything my original audience liked into oblivion.

It was also a chance to ctrl+f my most commonly used descriptive words to make sure that I hadn’t worn them out. Subsequently, I discovered that “clearly,” “suddenly,” “realized,” and “immediately” topped the list. Clearly, characters in my stories suddenly realize a lot of things. Immediately. While I replaced some with synonyms, I was able to drop a number of the adverbs completely. According to a number of my former writing teachers, clarifying your verbs is a poor way of “telling” when you should be “showing.” Personally, I like clarifying my characters’ actions. I want readers to know when an action is supposed to feel sudden, rather than to have them miss it. In my defense, many of my works are written from a character’s somewhat direct viewpoint, so when something happens suddenly or seems clear, it’s actually the character saying so. In this case, Jeremiah simply has a penchant for the word “clearly” (having used it a whopping thirty-six times; I got him down to eleven).

Also, there are not that many great synonyms for “realized.” Understood, comprehended, apprehended, grasped, gathered, recognized; all excellent words, but none of them with that vague feeling of “Eureka!” that I too often want to invoke.

Of course, my enthusiastic overuse of adverbs would go a long way towards explaining how you get 28,000 words out of this, the original outline for “Small Town Super Nobody”:

Broken into six scenes: six conversations

  1. Grayson
    1. Jeremiah hadn’t meant to bring up Teddy.
    2. Jeremiah vs. Teddy. Awesome normal kid vs. goof-off (and goof-up?) super one. Mrs. Grayson is the college advisor (among other things), but somehow they got to talking about Teddy joining a hero association. Not where Jer meant to go with the conversation, but he has to roll with it. Moves the conversation (subtly) into supers with minor or no powers. She figures him out. “What would happen if Theodore punched you in the face?” Mortified.
  2. Hanging out at the dive (where he works). Early out for school but they have practice soon. Somewhat chaos. Old lady with a crush on him, girlfriend there? His buddy laughs – we’re nobody. Someone like Teddy has a chance, but not us.
  3. Almost Dad. Trying to bring it up with him. Interrupts him: has Teddy talked to you? Mentions Jeff the sheriff, his dad’s friend and the guy who recommended they keep Teddy for a few days. Jer still has no idea why they adopted him. Trying to hang on to his temper.
  4. Argument. She’s dismissive, he catches Teddy eavesdropping. Reams him out, dad is not impressed. Flood warning.
  5. Flooding, they get stuck together, and Teddy brings up “I always knew you were going to be a hero.” Jer is very good at organizing people and getting them moving. He really is heroic, though he’d get his face smashed in if he tried to go toe to toe with a supervillain. Brings up story of drunk when they were children. You weren’t scared at all.
  6. Grayson. Jer has decided to double major in pre-med and engineering/robotics. Teddy’s going to be a superhero. He doesn’t have a choice.

Three hundred words, kids. Did I actually increase my word count by over 9000%?

WAIT JUST A MINUTE.

Hahaha, I just made my own day.


Some housekeeping notes: I just updated the Amazon, Facebook, and RSS feed icons at the top and bottom right of the page. If you click on the RSS feed (the orange one) you can actually subscribe to it, which I think means that you can have the feed send you notices when I update my website. I might look into creating an actual email subscription method on the website, so I’ll undoubtedly be talking about this more later. Just FYI for now.

24 – 72 Hours

Well…this was supposed to be a more significant update, but I have to wait 24 – 72 hours while Amazon is reviewing the ebook version of “Small Town Super Nobody” before I can offer it for sale to anyone who’d like the convenience of downloading the story on their kindle. I did actually suspect that they had a review process, but my many* attempts to somehow find secure internet yesterday were foiled (which mostly involved me looking like a creeper, sitting in the parking lot of my place of employment). My IT guy is willing to let me yoink internet from his house (which I actually tried to do on Tuesday, only to fail, again; my batting average is not great), but I was in a bad mood by my second thwarting and didn’t feel like facing anybody. So I went home and finished watching “Band of Brothers” instead.

In related news, my original plan for today’s post probably wasn’t going to be enormously exciting for my two watchers anyways, as they’ve already read “Small Town Super Nobody” here. I’ll get into why I’m charging money for a novella that I plan to keep freely available on my website later (say, in 24 – 72 hours).

In the meantime, I spent twenty minutes staring at the completed cover of the ebook (which can be found under the “Store” tab) because I was so absurdly pleased with myself over how it came out. I even researched road marker fonts to make sure I had it accurately depicted, and found out that here in America we use a font called Highway Gothic, developed in the 1940s by the United States Federal Highway Administration. This was the standard for decades, until about ten years ago when they switched to Clearwater; only for someone in the Highway Administration to roll it back about a year ago. There’s a debate raging among civic engineers about why and whether they should (I started to read an article that offers a big, resounding “NO!” – apparently the “e” and “a” in Highway Gothic are hard for old eyes to differentiate after sundown), and that’s about as far into the subject as I got. This is Highway Gothic, as “Small Town Super Nobody” takes place before Clearwater became a thing.

Follow-up confession: it was longer than twenty minutes.


*Two

TODAY IS NOT THAT DAY

I did not leave you guys in a particularly fun place last update, so here’s a couple of pieces of happier nothing, from the folder in my writing documents I call “Idea & Misc” – because I have thousands of words and sentences and half-scenes I’d like to get around to using sometime in the future, which does not do me any particular good in the present. The first two pieces are about a couple of kids you’ve met before: Johanna and Tom. I have a vague idea of visiting them again someday, but since TODAY IS NOT THAT DAY, here they are instead:

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard,” Johanna said flatly.

“I doubt that,” Tom answered. “You have Miss Cattin for art.”

That was disrespectful. A good point, but still disrespectful. She told him so, leaving off the “good point” part.

~*~

“Why do girls always have to define everything?” he asked. He jumped suddenly into girl-voice: “Oh no, she’s my GOOD friend, not my BEST friend, and that girl over there we’re frenemies but only until tomorrow when we go back to being ACQUAINTANCES.”

Johanna frowned a little, unsure if it was because of his tone or because she had to think about it. “We just like to know where we stand,” she finally said.

He gave her a look. “Right. That never hurts anyone’s FEELINGS.”

She huffed, annoyed by the thought that he might have a point even if she didn’t like the disdainful way he said feelings. “Well what do guys do?”

Tom folded his arms, sized up an invisible dude, and then said in a flat monotone: “Hey cool let’s hang out.”

This next bit belongs to a scifi story about a captured mathematical genius who spends most of his time acting like an idiot. I like him, but I have so many other stories that are closer to existence than his. It’ll be years before I flesh him out (if I ever do).

“I haff decided,” he announced to Victoria. “I am going to marry you.”

“That’s nice,” she said. “Could you hand me that packet of burn-all?”

Whistler found what she wanted, and continued as she took the ointment from his hand. “Debbie is much too fat. Lorna too skinny. You are just right size for man who likes comfort at night but not suffocation.”

“I am SO glad your English is improving,” Victoria said in a voice that did not mean the words it was saying.

Couple of extra pieces of art for all the good children out there in the audience today. On the right is my new bio picture for the “About” page, which I plan to use as the back-of-the book author photo for my picture books. Below is the sad remains of my recently abandoned plan to create small chapter illustrations for “Small Town Super Nobody.” I’ll be posting Jer there, perusing his “options,” on the title page for the novella. However, I do still have a cover illustration in the works, but more on that later.

That’s a wrap, folks. I plan to regurgitate something more substantial on Thursday.