What say we milk this cow one more time?

Yesterday was Trinity Sunday, so like a farmer on the edge of ruin, I’m going to milk this cow for the third time running, and re-post my poem “Apples are Apples” once and for all:

https://thestoryfolder.com/poetry/apples-are-apples/

The illustration running through the middle of the page is sloppier than I’d like – my surface touch screen has been giving me fits, and I tried to hide that fact by using the calligraphy tool, with mixed results – but so be it. Someday I’ll probably replace the illustration with a scanned copy of the original (done in regular old pen and paper; the version here was traced over a badly pixelated picture of the original), but I’ll do so quietly. There’s only so many times I can re-upload the same content. Mind you, I might get away with it more if I didn’t announce my regurgitated content with a running post-count every time.

Actually, in all honesty this is probably not the last time I talk about this poem. It’s third on my picture book project list, because there’s nothing like pretending a theological diatribe on Trinitarian heresies, written in rhyme and targeted at adults, might somehow have an audience anyways.

But Jesus called them to him, saying, “Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.”

Luke 18:16-17

By Neither Hook nor Crook – Just Borrowed Internet Access

I was right, for the record: it was the internet at the library giving me fits. Everything went up fine at my brother’s house and you can read my German poem “Die Gedanken Sind Frei” right here:

https://thestoryfolder.com/poetry/die-gedanken-sind-frei/

Actually, this is the poem I wrote in the midst of one of my nursing courses, back when I was taking nursing courses. The poem is about daydreaming and the title is a joke. It’s a German folk song meaning “My Thoughts are Free,” first popularized back in 1842. The version I came into contact with was in a WWII movie called “Escape of the Birdmen” about a bunch of allied POWs being held in Colditz Castle. They’d sing it at the Kommandant, partly to make him mad but mostly to prove that there are ways you can’t hold a man. The movie was based on real events, though I doubt the song actually came into it.

Badly pronounced German can be heard and enjoyed here:

Translation from Wikipedia:

Thoughts are free, who can guess them?
They fly by like nocturnal shadows.
No man can know them, no hunter can shoot them
with powder and lead: Thoughts are free!

By Hook or By Crook

This is absurd. I’ve been trying to upload my next poem for three hours now*, but WordPress won’t allow me to upload any media to the blog. Neither, for some strange reason, will Facebook. I’m assuming it’s an internet issue with the library guest access, so I’ll try again when I’m at IT Guy’s house later tonight. UGH.


*I’ve been doing other things too, but still.

Don’t ever admit to anyone that your story is based on a dream

I don’t believe in prophetic dreams. Actually, let me amend that: I believe in prophetic dreams in the same way I believe in ghosts – because the Bible tells me so. As a basic tenet of my faith I believe in the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, as well as in the inerrancy of Scripture. Any Old Testament stories about a King having a dream and one of God’s prophets interpreting that dream must be true.

However, I’d be a good deal more suspicious if someone walked up to me today and told me they had a dream that came true. While I won’t say it’s impossible, it’s really not worth judging; everything I need to know has already been written down for my benefit. I suspect the days of prophetic dreams have passed away.

That said, I can understand why people are sometimes inclined to attach special meaning to dreams. From what I can tell – by both experience and some very vague reading into the subject – dreams are a way for your brain to sort through all the things on your mind. Worried about your sick mother? Mother dies in your dream. Mother then dies in real life, because that’s how life in a fallen world goes. Prophecy, kids.

My mind sorts things a little differently. In my last year of high school I finally started to realize that if I was going to write a book, I’d better start planning it. My ideas from those days turned out to be weak, lame, or just stolen from other sources (so I’ll never write them), but it did get me into the habit of constantly thinking in terms of story arcs and character. A couple years down the road and my dreams start to become strangely coherent – clearly following a plot. The ones worth remembering are from when I’m just on the edge of wakefulness, so I’m guessing I have some sort of control over what’s happening. Also, as soon as I lose the thread of the story (almost always on a plot twist) I wake up, dying to know what was going to happen next. Unfortunately, the reason I woke up is almost certainly because I didn’t know.

Still, if I really like the story my mind has been working on in my sleep, I’ll write it down while it’s still vivid. None of these dreams will ever show up in my writing as-is (dream logic is still way too fluid to work in a story bound by reality; I don’t think anyone would stand for the main character changing from a nameless man to an old high school friend and finally to me without warning or explanation), but someday I might use the bits and pieces that really struck me.

That said, here is a dream I jotted down during college. My roommate was taking a film class and decided to do her final project on zombie movies, which pretty well explains everything about this bit of creepiness.

They were starting to get smarter.  We were out in the desert, houses dotted in a small clump on barren land, Mom and Dad were there.  I don’t know what happened to [Your Local Friendly IT Guy] or [The Sister].*

The neighbors were taken.  Became them.  I knew before he revealed his face, that something was wrong.  He was dead.  It never stops the shock of it.

His wife and daughter made it into the house.  I don’t know how.  They’re not supposed to be able to get in.  They were able to talk, and they followed me in.  I was with the old woman who knows too much.  They spoke to the old woman, walked around the house, looking and touching things like they didn’t recognize them.  But they knew where everything was.  It had been their house.

They spoke of things that didn’t make sense, but had that on the edge feeling that they should.  They unplugged everything—hate lights.

Someone’s name was Maria.

The mother looked back at the door, saw the light-up cactus ornament on the back of it.  She said We’re tied in—smarter, but still don’t understand.  Their tempers are volatile.  She told me to go turn off the light upstairs, anger growing and bubbling and seething just under her skin, but I didn’t want to leave the old woman.  The old woman looked at me and I knew she wanted me to go.  I think she wanted to hear the creatures talk.

I was on the stairs when I turned to look back.  The daughter was closing the door on me, her face turned away and I knew, knew, that they were getting rid of me so that they could kill the old woman.  Let themselves go, destroy her, and I suddenly knew they were afraid of killing me on accident in the process.  And I knew the only way to save the old woman was to stay.  Because they weren’t willing to risk it.

I aimed a kick at the daughter’s head, missed, but forced my way back into the room.  The old woman was already pushing Maria out the door, of course already knew what I’d realized, and I followed back into the kitchen as they disappeared into the night.  I turned, and looked at the old woman: “They want me for something.”

“Oh honey,” she said.  “They’re planning something big for you.”


*names changed to protect the relatively innocent

A Run on the Poetry Bank

By “Real update on Tuesday,” I obviously meant “Wednesday,” and I was about to then explain that by “I’ll be back to my regular two-updates-a-week schedule next week” I clearly meant the week after, except I checked last week’s post and I’d promised no such thing. Apparently I was anticipating my own whims.

In unrelated news, I’ll be back to my regular two-updates-a-week schedule next week. In news related to this unrelated piece of information, I’m also planning on finally hitting up all of the poetry that’s sitting on my hard drive. I’ll post an illustrated poem a week until I’ve emptied the “Poetry” file on my computer, which is also a good excuse to keep up with my drawing while I’m taking a break from illustrating my next picture book.

As such, here’s the real update, as promised (though perhaps at a slightly different bat-time):

The Adventures of Bawkie and Da-Ding

Click on the link and it will take you to the closest thing I have to a nonsense poem. Mostly it’s fun to say out loud, which would explain why I’ve also made a video. Behold:

Actually, this is a part of my nefarious plan to try and get more watchers to the website. I’ll be posting the video on FaceBook, because I had a friend admit that she’ll sometimes watch a video about something she’s not even remotely interested in just because it’s a video. Don’t fail me now, internet.

So once more, with feeling: we’ll be back to our regular Monday/Thursday update schedule next week, where poetry will go up each Thursday, and Monday is my usual rambling about whatever.

(And by back to our regular schedule, I mean Monday/Thursday may actually = Tuesday/Friday, or possibly Monday/Saturday, or perhaps just Wednesday/only, because that’s how I roll.)

Flying Officer Irv Peterson Bites the Big One

My apologies for the radio silence. Excuses go like this: vacation. Cold virus.

I’m feeling much better and, as such, meant to have a decent post for today. Unfortunately, I spent most of the morning fumigating my house of germs and a large portion of the afternoon watching YouTube videos while supposedly working on my blog content for today, and as you can imagine that helped my work ethic enormously. As I did not manage to finish (and I’ve got ten minutes left before the librarian chases me from the premises), have this instead:

 

Real update on Tuesday.

Mama Toot Toot

I know seven pregnant ladies right now. A month ago it was eight, a week and a half back it nearly dropped down to six only to sneak up again to seven when I wasn’t looking, and by the end of summer the smoke should clear, leaving a rather paltry four. I’m thirty now, which has me counting pregnant ladies like a vulture leering across the desert at a barren horizon. Fortunately, my siblings have had the decency to procreate, and I just added a godson to the small band of nephews and nieces that think I’m a Rockstar. We all got together this past week and weekend to celebrate the latest birth and baptism, so I thought I might take a break from my usual inanity to pull out some more inanity: the tiresome Aunt routine. Basically, my siblings have the cutest kids in the world and I want to boast about them.

This is not entirely bias speaking (though, admittedly, “in the world” is a little hyperbolic). They’re all Gerber-quality darling, as most of them were chubby babies and every single one is still smiley with big eyes. Even better, they’re all absolute stinkers.

For example, the oldest, a four-year-old, has put me in jail at least two times a day since I’ve come, though it’s not a bad gig – I lay on the couch while he chops me up with a fake knife. Apparently, I pushed someone off a building and killed them, so I definitely had it coming. Still, when I later had the audacity to offer to read him his stories for quiet time, he quickly corrected me: “People who go to jail don’t GET to put people down for quiet time!” Grandma did it instead.

At two year’s old, my brother’s daughter is just starting to put sentences together. She refers to herself in the third person, and rumor has it that the other day at breakfast she farted and then declared, “Mama toot toot!” Mama was not in the room at the time, but it’s still a good indication that my niece is already learning how to pass the buck.

The next one in the lineup is nearly two herself, and my sister’s only daughter. She’s got one word in her repertoire: no. And by “no,” I mean: “NO!” Add a headshake and couple that with either a mad-dog expression or a knowing grin, and that’s my second niece in one perfect visual.

(Bonus story: from all appearances, she and her cousin are getting along like gangbusters. This morning I tried to go the bathroom, only to find the door closed. I knocked, it popped open, and two girls stood grinning at me from inside, both holding measuring cups. The oldest – her hand still on the doorknob – explained in simple terms as the door slowly closed once more: “Bye bye.”

I took the long walk down to the basement bathroom.)

And finally, the nine-day-old had the good grace to quiet for me in church. He’s a pretty calm baby and generally easy to soothe, but he protested his baptism with the rage of the old Adam drowning – or perhaps he was just trying to help renounce the devil and all his ways. Either way, I had the good timing to be holding him when he finally angered himself into a coma. I’m his godmother, so as far as I’m concerned the two of us already have an understanding worked out that he’s supposed to make me look good.

Someday I’d like to boast about my own batch of stinkers, but for now these will do quite well. Which is fortunate, as I have a dating policy that looks a little something like this:

So really: until the day comes in which I don’t call the guards over, they will do quite nicely indeed.

In my continuing defense, at some point in the past I worked very hard on these

A Mouse Tale
By Andrea

Eeny, meeny
miney dragon
Have you been
plane in my wagon?

Eeny meeny
miney to Have
you been sleepn in
my shoe?

Eeny meeny
miney wink
Have you been
Planying in my sink?

© 1993/94

You thought I was kidding about scalping my Elementary schoolwork for blog material, didn’t you? “A Mouse Tale” has been transcribed exactly as written, and looks only slightly less like a series of texts written by a drunk person in the original handwriting. In my defense I was six (or possibly seven) at the time, and had only learned to write either a few weeks or a few months before. Mind you, this was not the first book I ever wrote. But I’ll save that remarkably good read for another time.

Oh! But speaking of texts (or more accurately – modern phones), two grades later, in the Fall of 1995, I came up with the following invention:

The crazy wacky wierd telophone.

When you press a button you can say the persons first and last name and it will dial the number for you. And if its to soft it will louden it up for you. I invented it so if you dont know what the number you can just press a button and say the persons first and last name and it will dial. You can buy it at malls. It costs $900 dollars.

I think someone in the phone industry may owe me a good deal of money.

At the end of the year – or so I’m guessing, considering its placement in the back of the file marked “Third Grade” – is a story that has actual plot, dialogue, and markedly improved sentence structure and spelling. That was my first year with Mrs. Anderson (I had her again in fifth grade), and she still rates high in the rankings of my favorite teachers. I can trace everything I first learned about story structure and plot progression to her.

So, without further ado, The Story Folder now presents “Among the Stars,” a third grade production of daring adventure in space, first brought to the world probably late in the Spring of 1996!

My story starts in Missoula, Montana in the forest. There’s a pond many, many trees and there is my house. It is pretty, white with black trimmings and it has a big garden.

By the way my name is Andrea Lynn Schultz. I have a friend named Czechislovakia. I’ll call him Chuck. He’s a skinny young boy and has blond hair, blue eyes, and is almost 4 feet tall. We both are 9 years old. One night Chuck and I were sitting on the front porch just enjoying ourselves. Suddenly a huge light appeared out of no where and it landed. The light ceased. In its place was a rocket!

My friend got scared stiff and almost fainted. I just stood there. It was blazing with the light of stars. Printed on the side of the rocket in golden letters was Star Lab. It had a blue stripe on the top of it, and the rest of it was gray. It was shimmering like a crystal. There was about a million ridges on it and was about 45 feet tall. On the tip of the nose of the rocket was a fire ball. It wasn’t burning the rest of the rocket, but I think that’s what kept it shimmering. It had the power of at least 20 trucks and was in the shape of a cone. It looked like it just had been polished. But right then to my horror the door opened and Chuck and I were sucked in! Finally he got to his senses and I wasn’t so frightened. Inside of the rocket were green buttons, red buttons, blue buttons, long buttons, small buttons, buttons of all different shapes and sizes. I couldn’t believe how many buttons there were! The inside of the rocket was painted teal and it too looked like it had been polished. It had two little chairs that were soft and could be twirled around. It had a couple of windows shaped into a circle. Then I remembered I had to get out. I tried and tried to get the door opened but it was locked! I was trapped and frightened!

Just then there was a jolt, and I flew back and landed on a big green button which turned the rocket on! I tried pushing a button but the pressure pushed me back and off we went! Finally the rocket slowed down and then what do you think happened? Chuck and I went floating through the air! I pushed myself toward the control room and found a little blue button which was labeled gravity. I pushed it and whump, bump Chuck and I came bumping down to the floor.

Then I looked out the window and I saw the horizon, the zenith, and then I saw Missoula. I started crying but I stopped crying because I knew it wouldn’t help getting home. Then I looked up and I saw many many different kinds of constellations. I saw Aquila, that means eage. And I saw Cassiapeia, Corona Borealis, Cygmus, Delphinus, Draco, Gemini, Leo, Libra, Lycra, Ophiuchus, Serpens, Orion, Pegasus, Polaris, and last but not least, Ursa Minor.

I was not sure where I was headed but it looked like I was going for the sun! But right when we were about to hit we took a sharp turn and there in the back of the sun was a green mushy mucky gooey planet! Yuck! What a disgusting planet! “What should we call this disgusting planet?” I asked Chuck.

“Beats me,” he answered.

“How about gooey green and mucky thing?” I said.

“No, that sounds like some monster covered with slime.” Chuck answered.

“Yah. I guess your right. Hmm I wonder.” I said.

“Hey! I know,” Chuck said. “How about the planet Oableck,” he said.

“Yah! Cool! Awesome! Radical! Nice name.” I said.

“I wonder if we will land.” Chuck said.

“Nope not on this planet. But I wish we would.” I said.

“Me too.” Chuck said. But I wouldn’t get out. I looked out the window again. Now the stars were shimmering even more than before. I looked at the world, and it was really small now. I sighed and said “I wonder if we will ever get back?”

“Wait a minute,” I said, “why don’t we turn this baby around.”

“Don you touch anything!” yelled Chuck. “I don’t want to get killed!”

“Oh don’t be such a baby.” I answered.

“Well O.k.” Chuck said. “Then lets get moving. Here’s a red button that says turn.”

“Then push it!” I said. “O.k.” And so we turned toward the sun.

I told Chuck to get some food because both of us know it is midnight snack time, so Chuck went to get some food that we found in a pantry. He came back, tripped on a bump and came jolting forward and hit a button that said “full speed ahead.” Aaauugghh! “We’re going straight for the sun!” We both yelled at the same time! I pulled at along skinny button that said stop, reverse. I pulled that, but I guess the pressure was to strong and it snapped off! Chuck and I knew that the long skinny button was our only chance and now it was snapped off.

We both started screaming as loud as we could and when we just started screaming, whump I fell out of bed! “Whoa What a nightmare,” I said. I jumped out of bed and then heard a small clunk. I looked on the floor and laying there was the long skinny button! I almost fainted I was so surprised! At breakfast I told my family about what happened last night, but no one believed me. I even showed them the long skinny button! I guess it was invisible to them. When I went to school I told all of my friends except Chuck about what happened and I showed them the long skinny button but nobody believed me and they couldn’t see the button either! Then Chuck came running up to me and he said he had a really bad dream and he told me about what happened. He was telling the story of what happened last night! When he got to the last part of it he ended it like this and when he was finishing I showed him the button and it sounded like this, “Then I um woke up” and he fainted.

“What a sissy,” I said. And now I knew I really had been among the stars.

More from the Ash Heap of University

Tomorrow morning, some poet may, like Byron, wake to find himself famous—for having written a novel, for having killed his wife; it will not be for having written a poem.

–Randall Jarrell

If you thought that last Monday’s update was bad, this week’s blog is even worse: I’ll be posting my free verse poetry from college.

*cue agonized screams*

My feelings on free verse are pretty uncomplicated: I hate it. It has very little understanding of grammar, none at all for structure, and relies heavily on the overuse of the indent key in Microsoft Word.

My dislike for free verse is possibly inborn – or maybe just ingrained. I was five years old when Maya Angelou read “On the Pulse of Morning” at the inauguration of Bill Clinton, and Dad rolled his eyes at the dinner table and said “free verse” in a disgusted sort of voice. Mom followed that up with an annoyed “Maya Angelou” sort of sigh of her own.

However, my first real run-in with free verse happened when I was in fifth grade. The PTA at Lewis & Clark put on a school-wide contest for art, poetry, and writing, to be judged by some of their members. Because I’m enormously dedicated to my two watchers, I actually spent an afternoon digging through my old hope chest until I found my entry. Behold:

I received a participation award and written comments from three judges. One was a very kind note complimenting me on my use of descriptive words, the second was clearly written by someone who was tired of judging (A hastily scrawled, “Very well done!”), and the third contained the following:

“A bit of advice! Did you know you could write poems that don’t always have to rhyme? Read some of Arnold Adoff’s or Jane Yolen’s poetry and see – then go back w/ this idea of flying – and try it out and see if your ideas and words don’t come a little more freely to describe what you want!

“But great poem!”

(I love that “But great poem!” at the end. Oh crap, I forgot I’m supposed to pretend I like all the things I’m judging.)

The note annoyed me, not because she didn’t appreciate my style (that was her prerogative; I was proud of my poem, and nothing she said could take away the pleasure I’d had in writing it), but because I did know that poems don’t always have to rhyme. I’d written a structured poem because I liked structured poems. Rhyming is a kind of magic – fun to read out loud, easy to memorize, and a sort of a puzzle to write (can you fit your ideas into this neat little box?). It was frustrating that I couldn’t explain to this woman that I’d done so purposefully, and not because I was too stupid to know better.

Still, easy enough to brush aside; I thought her silly. One of those adults who looked down on children and the things they liked just because they were children. I shrugged and moved on.

But it seriously angered my father. He was mad for the same reasons I was annoyed (“Of course you know that poems don’t have to rhyme”) but also – now that I look back – probably because he was afraid that she had discouraged me from doing something I had a talent for. But he needn’t have worried. Moms are built-in #1 fans (she’s the reason I still have some of my old artwork and stories from Elementary school), and I’ll always keep that memory of Dad angry at some lady he’d never met, simply because she didn’t like my poem, locked away in my heart. Sometimes I take it out to look at it, and remember that my parents believed in me first.

Now that I’ve gotten older and have been forced into greater contact with free verse through college (though I’ve still never actually heard of Arnold Adoff or Jane Yolen), I’ve discovered that it’s not as bad as it once seemed. In fact, it can be a very clever way to say something concisely (which perhaps also contributed towards my innate dislike for it; like holding up garlic to a vampire. Write this short thing, Andrea. Well, I can try butAAUGH IT BURNSSS).

For example, back when I was still lurking on Deviantart (mostly for art, but sometimes they’d feature writing on the front page), I found a beautiful piece of free verse about a woman who finally consents to date her best friend – the only man to treat her kindly. When he laments over the wasted years (years she spent abused; if not by men, then by herself), she tells him she needed those years to learn that she could love, and be loved. They’d never have made it before then.

Anyways, it was more eloquent than that, but the point is there can be really great stories – especially stories that are as much felt as told – packed into free verse. It’s impressive when done well.

I just wish we wouldn’t call it poetry. Call it short prose, call it lyrical flash fiction (or nonfiction), I don’t care, but stop trying to compare apples with oranges. Sure they’re both fruit, but they grew on entirely different trees. Keeping your ideas short and tapped entirely into feeling takes one kind of skill, and molding an idea into a strict structure bound by rhyme takes another. Some people have an ear for it, others spend years honing it, but making your rhymes flow naturally within a rigid rhythm and verse structure is only restrictive to people who can’t do it.

Mind you, I probably wouldn’t mind sharing a genre type with the free verse folks if they’d just stop discrediting what I do. I took a couple of poetry classes in college, and the most common critique I had from my classmates was, “Well, it’s nice for kids.” And while I have to admit that I do write a lot of poetry for children (and not just because that’s still an acceptable market for rhyme; I also happen to like writing for kids), there’s the odd murder poem I’ve yet to post, a few lines written from my occasionally lonely heart, and at least one politically charged poem in my portfolio.

Oh man, am I off track. Let’s take a U-turn back to my original intention:

In college, all of the poems I presented in class rhymed, but we also had to turn in a workshop journal with a boatload of assignments from my poetry book. As it turns out, free verse takes about a tenth of the time that my usual style does – or at least the way I do it. I am, if nothing else, practical.

(Also, I apologize in advance for the stupid line breaks.)

ASSIGNMENT: What images obsess you?  What can you look at for hours and not get bored?  Contrast with an image you repress or fight.

ASSIGNMENT: Write a short poem that begins and ends with the same line.

ASSIGNMENT: Write an “I believe speech.”


Last few facts: free verse isn’t as modern as it seems. The history of the form actually goes back centuries before I was alive to complain about it. Old Testament psalms, anyone? Then in 1890 the poets Kahn and Laforgue first coined the phrase vers libre in French, though for my part I blame Walt Whitman, who received the credit for writing the first free verse poetry in English.** There’s also something to be said about a man named Richard Aldington, who claimed (a quarter of a century later) in the preface to a 1915 Imagist anthology, that free verse was a principle of liberty.

And we wonder why unstructured poetry comes across as so pretentious.


*Oh my lazy heart, I just realized I have an entire hope chest full of homework I can use for the blog. Next time, on The Story Folder: The cat is ill. The dog is glad.

**There’s some debate as to whether this is true, but poets become famous about half as many times as the continents drift, so any poet who becomes well known for their poetry instead of, say, murdering their wives***, is celebrated for anything they did with the form, whether or not they were first.

***William Burroughs, Louis Althusser, Gu Cheng, and Conrad Aiken to name a few. A risky trade, apparently.

My honor demands I pick up that glove and give satisfaction

So in response to the last post, a certain member of my family *hacking coughs that rhyme with IT guy’s name* rather insensitively pointed out that a writing exercise whose main edict is “make longer sentences of these shorter sentences” is pretty much my perfect homework assignment.

Challenge accepted. The following is a self-inflicted assignment to make shorter sentences of these longer ones.

Mrs. Bauermann’s obituary would later say she had been a pillar of the community, an officer in her neighborhood association and the kind of person who volunteered countless hours at the nearby school, but when the students at the nearby school in question first heard about the old bat’s sudden demise, it was from an article on page two of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, under the headline “Local Woman Dies on Roof.”

  • Old bat dies on roof.

 

But Teddy’s grades swung between A’s and D’s with no discernible pattern, his entire academic career could be summed up by the running theme in his report cards since kindergarten (“Great enthusiasm but he needs to learn how to pay attention!”), and the only time anyone had asked him if he was “Gonna go to the big city and fight crime?” he had answered “Sure!” and then leaned into Jeremiah to whisper, “I’m probably just going to stay here for the rest of my life.”

  • Teddy’s an idiot.

 

[The sound of stifled giggling] wasn’t coming from the football team (good thing; besides the fact that he had no desire to find out what a giggling fullback sounded like, he had them under strict orders to treat Cynthia and her cohorts with respect; they were welcome to mock him about his harem of octogenarians, so long as they left the octogenarians themselves alone), nor from the girls, who had made room at their booth for four of Jeremiah’s guys.

  • Holy crap, learn how to use semicolons sparingly.

 

When he came back from the confab (they were apparently having trouble hunting down a jack, though Mr. Grady thought they had a bead on one over in Stanton; as to Dr. Murphy, she was taping up another injury from some kid who’d jumped into a downed fence post, but she’d be by as soon as she was done), he retightened the poncho around Teddy’s arm without bothering to relay the information.

  • Andrea suddenly realized that the scene was already 4,373 words long, and subsequently summarized a boring but necessary conversation leading in to the end of the chapter.

 

School had been canceled for a grand total of one day, and though the rest of the Banner High Heroes (as the papers had dubbed the kids who had stepped in to save their town – most of whom missed their fifteen minutes of fame, having slept long and hard through the moment that someone over in Megalopolis realized that Banner, NJ had actually done something interesting for once) felt more insulted than gratified by the one-day vacation, Jeremiah didn’t mind getting back to his normal routine.

  • This sentence is 86 unalterable words long.

 

As always the image was so badly pixilated that Friday couldn’t make out the zits on her face or her eye color (blue, and the only thing she liked about her looks now that her hair – dyed red and cut into what she had recently decided was an ugly A-line – didn’t count), but the reflection moved like her, reacted like her, and Friday’s every movement matched what her reflection had done without her even trying.

  • A description of the main character, shoehorned into the opening scene.

 

Father thought it a good joke, and did not know how it stung me to hear that his advisors approached him with the estimated costs of building a door-less tower and hiring some sort of beast to guard it (giants, for example, demand deep pockets; Father apparently suggested a dragon, which are notably cheaper – though of course one must take into account the inevitable damages in setting one loose on the kingdom), versus the suggestion that he simply drive me from the castle with nothing but a dress packed into a walnut.

  • King Dad is genre savvy.

 

There could’ve been racially charged fights—there were enough differences in skin shades in the public schools to fill a crayon box—but it was more likely the school would close because Godzilla had attacked the city or some megalomaniac was threatening utter destruction or the keys to the city now if you please, and that tended to curb gang-related activity.

  • Godzilla is unhindered by ethnic diversity.

 

Smart and aggressive – the most naturally gifted caster the family had seen in nearly a century – Adam had brought crows streaming into the house as his mother pushed him, squalling, out of her womb, drawn maggots out of the mud as he pulled himself, half-drowned, back on shore when he was six, and two years before, in a fit of screaming rage, the nine-year-old had called his mother’s corpse out of the swamp.

She hadn’t been the only thing that had come: half eaten deer carcasses, the rotting remains of a crocodile that had dragged itself onto land, trailing toes and leg bones like the blocks on a toddler’s pull-string toy, hollowed-out birds, sodden rodents with their eyes gone, and the white vertebrae of hundreds – perhaps thousands – of fish. The swamp regurgitated everything it had swallowed with flesh still on its bones, and the banks had crawled.

  • Remember kids: “nine-year-old” is one word.

 

And there you have it. Absolute cakewalk, IT Guy.


Fun fact: this entire post, from opening line to final footer (but not counting the title), is made up of 955 words broken into 26 sentences.