The ULTIMATE Update

Pieces of myself and my family end up in everything I write. That’s my dad when I was a moody teenager, asking over and over again “What’s wrong?” until I finally gave in and told him. There’s my brother growing up with sisters, getting used to bras hanging from the shower rod and frank discussions about monthly visits from Aunt Flo. My mom’s in the way these boys so easily ask and receive forgiveness from one another. But the biggest piece of this particular story belongs to my sister, who simultaneously loved me and loathed me, because she had no idea that I purposefully made her mad just because it meant she’d pay attention to me. I thought she was the coolest human being on the planet, and it only took me seventeen years to wear her down into a malleable wreck of a human being that could admit that she was my best friend too.

So here is the culmination of way too many months of work, and at least 20,000 too many words. I couldn’t write a legitimately short story to save my life.

7. In Which a Young Man Has a Discussion About the Future

I’ll get into where this story came from in another blog post, but I wanted to tackle a few character notes on Teddy*. Though it absolutely irritates me when a show or book about superheroes (or at least specially-abled people) makes their protagonist spend 90% of his or her time whining about oh woe is me, I’m not normal (as though people wouldn’t just be like oh who freaking cares, I can FLY), naturally I ended up writing a short story novella about someone whining about oh woe is me, I’m not normal. In my defense, Teddy normally loves, enjoys, and shows off his powers like any fourteen-year-old almost certainly would. I just picked one of the lowest points in his life to craft a story around, one in which he is facing what it means to be – not super-powered – but simply not human. It hasn’t been a good week for him.

On a more egregious note, I realized that Teddy had pulled out his powers for his friends half an hour after his doctor’s appointment and again a couple of days later while showing off at the football game, which makes his insistence that nobody see him act super-human (or, more accurately, robotic) in chapter 6 pretty inconsistent. I was about three-quarters of the way through writing it, and about had an aneurism trying to figure out how to fix it. And then I remembered that he’s fourteen years old, he gets to be inconsistent. Also, the longer he had to stew, the deeper he felt it.

In related news, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Finally, I suspect that Sunnyside shouldn’t have still been standing after all that but LOOK OVER THERE.

*dodges away*


*Please note that this is totally unprofessional. Anything I have to say about these characters ought to be said in the story itself. But in the words of the delicately sensitive Miss Brittany Lewis: Well whatever.

This is Not the Update You’re Looking For

Hello! It’s been awhile since I posted a blog about nothing, so I figured it was time to throw some new (and entirely pointless) content at you. This is like going to a party just to make small-talk, except that I don’t have to have a coronary over how long I should look someone in the face, and which eye I should stare at when I’m talking to them*, or whether I ought to just split the difference and look right between their eyes. I’m not actually always borderline Asperger’s when I socialize, but once you start wondering these things in the middle of a conversation, it’s hard to stop. The best part is that no one has any idea that I’m a socially shy introvert by nature because, like my mother before me, I know how to fake sincerity.

(It’s all about asking questions. Once you figure out what interests a person, you can talk for ages with a stranger just by inserting “uh-huh” at appropriate intervals.)

(Also, confession: per usual exaggeration is playing its part here. While I do find interaction with people – especially strangers – exhausting after awhile, at the end of the day human beings are basically walking, talking stories, intricately pieced together. If you pull the right thread they’ll unravel enough to tell you who they are, whether or not they mean to. It’s almost a game trying to figure out how to get them going, especially when they’re shyer than you are.)

And now upward and onward to an announcement. A have a new folder on my website: Art Portfolio. I would’ve just called it “Art” but it’s such a small word that it looked way too lonely up on the tab by itself. Thus I added the pompous noun to dress it up. My decision-making is rarely motivated by any truly deep thinking.

Anyways, this is entirely an excuse to post my art online, now that I’ve abandoned my old DeviantArt account. Back when I was in college, DeviantArt was one of my backup time-wasters when I had nothing else to keep me from getting a full-night’s sleep, a website where I’d spend hours perusing other peoples’ art, admiring their techniques and talent, and then weeping over the lack of my own. Honestly, I think it helped my own art more than I realized (people talk about “studying” the arts to get better at them, and I think a lot of that can be translated into “staring at” because there’s nothing like using your eyes to improve at a visual medium), but I’m still no master drawer. Frankly, I won’t ever be. I don’t care enough. You can expect me to squeak by on the fact that I’m good enough for government work (and picture books).

In fact, I was able to talk my boss into allowing me to create the graphics for the handouts we created for her clients. I work as a legal assistant in a family law office (we also do estate planning and business, but the family law lawyer utilizes my skill-set more than my other boss, so that feels like our primary function), and creating visuals for different types of divorce was an interesting challenge. So far these are what I’ve come up with:

Kitchen Table Negotiations

Mediation

Collaborative Law

Our office specializes in non-traditional divorce (meaning we never go to court; we do a lot of mediation and collaborative negotiations, the purpose of which is to keep the divorce from ending with both parties screaming at each other over a judge), so I’m actually allowed to make traditional divorce look like the option you don’t want to choose. Right now it’s just a picture of a gavel, borrowed from Microsoft Word’s clip-art options, but I’ll probably create something subtly ominous looking later this week, like a judge peering over his desk at an unhappy looking couple. Ah yiss, I can’t say I mind getting paid an hourly wage to draw while I listen/watch YouTube. Art doesn’t take the concentration that I lot of my other projects require, so I can pour some of my unused mental capacity into mindless internet videos.

So that’s it for today. I’ve already spent more time on this blog post than I planned, and it’s back to the grindstone for me. I’m taking a break from “Small Town Super Nobody” to work on the art for my picture book, but I’ll get back to it either tonight or tomorrow. I’m still planning to have chapter 7 written and uploaded by Thursday**.


*The left is my go-to eye, for some reason. I have no idea why I realized this when I was visiting my grandmother this weekend; at least I can claim to have accomplished something.

**Friday.

The Andrea Schultz Method of Untightening Prose

This is the biggest pie piece by far. For a scene that consists entirely of a conversation between two people, this chapter takes its sweet time about it. I’d edit it down, but then I’d have to cut out something, and what a tragedy that would be. When I revise a document I always end up with a higher word count than when I started.

6. In Which a Boy Tells a Story

The last and final chapter (and now that I read over that, let’s throw in a few more adjectives that mean the same thing: concluding, closing, end, and, my personal favorite from Microsoft Thesaurus’s options, ULTIMATE) will be up next Thursday. And by next Thursday I mean next Friday. I’d say next Friday, but then it would be up on Saturday. We are tricksy hobbitses who has to tricks our own selves into nasty update scheduleses.

(What were you doing? Sneaking.)

You know. Six or seven. Whatever it takes.

A note on the last chapter of Small Town Super Nobody: did Jer really tell his (ex) girlfriend to her face that she was dead inside? For implying something about his little brother that wasn’t a quarter as pointed as what he says to him five minutes later?

Absolutely. He’s mature for his age, but he’s still his age. That and he’s dealing with 1.) a sibling who knows that he not only has buttons, but how to push them, and 2.) the second most devastating blow life has ever served him. He’s eighteen years old, and sure that his life is over. In summary, this is a story about a boy who is not as old as he thinks he is.

On a side note – because I’m overly fond of discussing the way I think – as I was perusing through the last few chapters, making sure I had my details lined up, I realized that “Small Town Super Nobody” operates on a 2:1 ratio of backstory to present story. Which is kind of ridiculous considering that it’s already 100% backstory for a minor character in a series I haven’t even started yet. My story planning has depth, but I mean that in a chronologically unphilosophical way.

A whole lot of nothing to say about chapter 5, except that it’s up and quite excellent:

5. Interlude: In Which Jeremiah Takes Charge

P.S. Oh yeah, and that “Small Town Super Nobody” is now a seven chapter story.

P.P.S. And to preempt the accusations that I’m padding this story (yes, I see you over there oh Great and Powerful Oz; go back behind your curtain), I can assure you that increasing the number of chapters won’t make this story any longer than a six-chapter version. I got halfway through the scene and realized that I had hit upon not only an effective break point, but a way to make this chapter a more manageable size. I’m just cutting the same pie into a greater number of pieces.

The Many Faces of the Lernaean Hydra

Do you know what I’ve done? I’ve UNCHANGED MY MIND. By this I mean that chapter 3 is back up in its original form, chapter 4 has been added to keep the angry hordes from throwing my body from the castle carapace, and this is once again a six chapter story. Links have already been fixed in any previous posts and pages, but here they both are anyways, for your convenience:

3. In Which a Boy Almost Has a Talk with his Dad

4. In Which a Boy Breaks Up with his Off-Again-Off-Again Girlfriend for the Last Time

The fact is I’m still right – this would be a much tighter story if I merged chapters 3 and 4. However, I found that I could not bear to un-write what has already been written. While I could inject all the important bits of the almost-talk with his dad into this (an even more uncomfortable conversation with his girlfriend), I would lose too many things that I’m proud of: Teddy being an absolute pill to his big brother in front of his friends, the quiet way that Jeremiah and his dad interact, Jeff’s unstated mother-henning since he missed the chance to have children of his own; basically, all the background noise that lives in the subtleties of chapter three.

Also, I can’t stand moving backwards. The thought of taking two steps back just to take one step forward rankles.

And finally, a shout out to the Great and Powerful Oz, who didn’t believe that I would have this up today like I promised. Mind you, I understand. I promised I’d have it up by last week. It should’ve been up a month ago. I have many excuses, some of them quite excellent, but if we get down to brass tacks it’s laziness with a heavy dose of perfectionism.*


*A great excuse to lament over a single sentence for hours, which only leads to more crying later when I wonder why I never finish anything.

** In other news (and don’t look for the sentence this footnote is attached to; there isn’t one), “sunk into the love seat cushions” sounds dirtier than it ought to. Enjoy reading.

Bada bing, Bada boom

Happy New Year! I have nothing of real interest to post, but I’m posting anyways because I’ve been neglecting my short story, as you may have noticed. In other news, I really was kicked where it counted when it came to my illness over the Christmas/New Year break (a cold on top of influenza, if I’ve categorized my symptoms properly; I felt miserable, if that garners me any sympathy), but I’m finally on the mend and back to thinking about what tops my priority list for projects. Here’s a quick rundown, for those curious about my plans:

  • Chapter 4 of “Small Town Super Nobody.” Did I change my mind about the reorganization of this story? Like a woman, I changed my mind, but more on that later. I haven’t re-posted chapter 3 yet because that would take actual effort and you know me: I’m more about putting off actual effort, rather than putting it in. We all have our talents.
  • I’m looking into self-publishing one of my children’s books. I’m tired of waiting for the almighty hand of subjective interest/opinion to swing in my favor, and instead of throwing more query letters at uninterested parties I’m going to make my own chances. With the print-on-demand options available out there there isn’t a significant amount of monetary risk attached to this, which is good as I do not have a lot of monetary resources to, you know, risk. I currently only have dummy sketches for the book, so the next step is to illustrate a professional looking product. I’ll be getting on that very shortly, and will also likely illustrate a promotional version of “The Bump Under the Bed” to share online.
  • Since I’ll be working on and self-promoting my picture books, I may do a little bit of reorganization to the site. It’ll probably be nothing more significant than adding another tab to the top of my homepage, but I have to decide whether I want a spot specifically set aside for picture books, whether I should add one for an art portfolio (to collect my illustrations and any sketch samples in one place), and…well, so on and so forth. I don’t want to clutter the navigation bar, but on the other hand this is supposedly the Story Folder, which entitles me to slap as many tab dividers up as I want and treat it as such. I’ll deal with it as I come to it.
  • I’m also working on my novel, as always. Which novel – I won’t tell you. Mostly because it changes day-to-day. I really should learn how to focus.

And since I feel bad about giving you pretty much nothing with this post, here’s a sample of my illustration style for “The Bump Under the Bed.” I will not be using this page in the final product as it was sized incorrectly and colored using a batch of very expensive markers (oh, how I love and hate thee, Michaels). I’m going to attempt to illustrate the entire project digitally instead, which will be its own kind of fun. Still, it gives me something to soothe the masses wondering where I’ve been the past couple of weeks, so here it is:

And again: Happy New Year! Hello to anyone that was directed here by the Annual Schultz Family Christmas Letter! You are welcome, and gladly.

Merry Christmas Eve!

What’s the reason for the season? Why, you are, of course:

https://thestoryfolder.com/poetry/the-reason-for-the-season/

Based on a sermon my pastor preached last year. Also, I cheated entirely when “illustrating” this particular poem. All I did was rip a photo from publicdomainpicture.net* and then blacked out some of the background to make the words more readable. Now that the play is over my body has given up the ghost and I’m dealing with a pretty severe cold (runny nose, aches, chills, a cough that actually hurts). However, it was important to me that I post this on Christmas Eve, so a cheat this year it is.


*http://www.publicdomainpictures.net/view-image.php?image=67167

Vwa-LA

I promised my editor an update today, so here it is: hello.

Alas, I wanted to have something much better to post today, but this will have to do. In my (dubious) defense, life has been crazy – in a very good way, but crazy nonetheless. I’m part of my local theater’s “A Christmas Carol” which has been running every weekend this past month. We have two more shows left (tonight and tomorrow) and I have no idea what I’m going to do with my free-time once I have some. Write chapter three of Small Town? Answer some of my brother’s snarky comments? Write a novel and become an overnight success? Time will tell.

Actually, since I have nothing remotely interesting to say, here’s a related project that’s been keeping me busy the past week:

This is a gift for all my cast mates, plus a handful of the crew. Hopefully none of them watch me on The Story Folder *takes a moment to weep* or, uh, surprise? You’ll get your copy tomorrow.

Shmidiot

So my initial plan for dealing with the hilarity caused by my comment about uploading the next three chapters in six months (my editor did not think it was a joke, let alone a funny one; my IT Guy, on the other hand, laughed, assuming that it’ll eventually be a joke on me) was to upload chapter 4 this week. What I’ve done instead is removed chapter 3 and turned “Small Town Super Nobody” into a five chapter story. Practically the same thing.

Or maybe not. Point of fact: I actually have a good reason for this. I wasn’t as pleased with chapter 3 as I was with the first two chapters, and after a frank discussion with my editor (“I should’ve just waited until you’d uploaded the whole thing before I read it…nothing happened in this last chapter”), I realized why. She’s right: nothing did happen this last chapter. While the background information in the chapter is necessary, the story stagnates until the action in the next chapter, which is a crappy way to write a short story. It’s padding. I added padding to a novelette*.

What I’m going to do is take the background and emotional heart out of chapter three and add it to chapter four, which is going to end up as the official chapter three instead. I lose some things doing this (Greg beaning Rick in the head as hard as he can with a football, for one; the sentence “Jeremiah turned and saw that his dad was leaning back against the water table with his arms casually folded, a pose that could get most women within visual range to perk up and take a second look” for another), but it’ll be a tighter story for it.

A couple of editing notes related to this re-post plan:

  1. I moved the “domo arigato” thing to chapter 2, where I originally had it, and
  2. I added a very small line (a parentheses, in fact) to chapter 1, straight-out admitting that Teddy is basically an impossibly advanced robot. That last one was for my IT Guy, who pointed out that, though I’d heavily implied as such, I only ever said so in my author’s notes. Because it’s fun to make people guess at the framework of my stories.

So, uh…sorry? Hahahah, I’m lucky I only have two watchers.

*weeps a little anyways*


*Apparently a real thing, according to Wikipedia. That I do a lot. Who knew?

Rhymes with Idiot

Shmidiot.

Can anyone explain to me why Microsoft Word’s thesaurus doesn’t contain any synonyms for put-downs? Nothing for idiot, moron, or even dork, though “nerd” (drip/bore/geek/weed, in that order) makes the cut. “Jerk” also qualifies, but only as a verb. Interestingly enough, so does “dipstick,” which I’d forgotten was another term for a measuring stick. This is unfortunate for someone who depends on her thesaurus for insult-rich vocab, but less so when I remember that I carry a pocket thesaurus with me at all times. However (and unfortunately), it too has no entry for “butthead.”

Still, you know it’s a good day when you scan over the tabs open above your browsing window and “Moron Synonyms, Moro…” is the third tab to the right.

It gets better when you find a great quote like this one, attributed to Albert Einstein (but also possibly not):

“If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”

Regardless, it’s an excellent quote, one of many extremely random things I find in the course of my absurd need to research the minutiae of my characters. But sometimes only the minutiae. For example, that little gem was found while researching football positions and the breakdown of the skill-sets needed, because I wanted to figure out what Jeremiah would like to play – for a line I may end up cutting. On the other hand, crap like “where is Teddy’s power source?” will get a pass. I’m not even going to try and scrape the surface of the mountain of research done into robotic engineering, because it’ll only tell me I’m wrong. Comic Book science it is.

(Why is that man a Supervillain, Mommy? Because he fell into a vat of toxic waste, dear.)

(Obviously.)

This is my overly convoluted way of saying that I’ve finally uploaded “Small Town Super Nobody” Chapter 3: In Which a Boy Almost Has a Talk with His Dad.

3. In Which a Boy Almost Has a Talk with his Dad

And, to fully immerse yourself in Chapter 3, here is an equally pertinent link:

As to the rest, I should be done with the last three chapters in about six months.